MISS MOI UNIVERSITY....

I remember when I ran for Mr Culture Moi University 2014 and came in fourth... (sigh) Good times there.. But that is neither here nor there. Meet the current miss Moi University 2015/2016. One gorgeous Audrey Awuor; easy on her laughter and a lover of alternative rock.
She laughs loud and smiles bright. I do not believe it at first when she tells me she is a belly dancer

"As in katumbo dance?" I couldn't resist a joke.. she laughs then shows me a few youtube videos of belly dancers; quite a talent there! So if you want to meet this intelligent Media Science student and awesome belly dancer, save a date on 31st May 2015 KICC Tsavo Ball Room where she will be on the Miss University Kenya Runway... check more pics at Miss-Moi-University-Audrey-Awuor-for-Miss-University-Kenya-2015

FORGET IEBC.. I GOT 2017 COVERED!

The only system of election I trust is "Rock-paper-scissors". It is one that Uhuru cannot rig and Raila cannot contest when he loses! I do not see the point of voting... after all, your vote does not count; IEBC does. So t make life easier, let us do away with IEBC, since they are simply kids in soiled diapers waiting to be told who to swear in, and let us bring in the all efficient, all trusted, good old rock-paper-scissors. This is how it will go down: We bring Raila Amolo Odinga and Uhuru Muigai Kenyatta on live television (all the other stupid thieves-cum-politicians who call themselves presidential candidates locked somewhere where they can follow the elections on TV like the rest of us) We then get a refferee, someone from a good family who has an experience in Gor Mahia-AFC Leopards officiating, and one rich enough not to be bribed by Uhuru and the Kiambu mafia... We then get Larry Madowo of NTV who will have a panel of experts to explain to Kenyans why rock crushes scissors, why scissors cuts paper and more especially how paper beats rock by covering it. Surely this will take only hours to prepare and would be very cheap! I could even sponsor it! We then give the two presidential candidates thirty minutes to go over the rock-paper-scissors concept since I have a feeling it might be a bit difficult to conceptualize... you will be surprised by our politicians. When all are ready, the ref blows his whistle and three seconds later we have a president!.... or a run off... we do it again in case of a run off.. eventually Uhuru's scissors will cut Raila's paper, Raila will conceed defeat but he will take us to  referendum where we shall amend the constitution to make the paper cutt the scissors and patiently wait for 2022! PROBLEM=SOLVED!!!

GHOST PASSENGERS

Meet the ghost passengers of Embakasi... These are industrious men and women of this country who clad themselves in smart suits each morning and head to the city center. Their sole purpose in life is to create the illusion that the matatu is almost full especially during off peak hours. the squad of about eight usually sits patiently in the matatu while the engine is running. You will board the vehicle thinking that your journey is about to begin. Woo unto you; afterr about two minutes, one of the ghost passengers will alight... the drill continues until the eight Kenyans who had no intentions of going to Embakasi are replaced by eight other innocent travellers like you! By then you would have wasted about an hour of your life in which two buses that you were tempted to board have already left the stage.

 And the drivers are not any better. They keep raving the engine while moving the loud matatu back and forth... each time you hope they are about to go. And God help the touts who are always shouting for a whole hour "NAFASI YA WAWILI! NAFASI YA WAWILI!" passengers

SIX WAYS TO INJURE YOUR SWORN ENEMY (some classified stuff for those who don't know KARATE)

Have you ever been cornered at a club or in the school playground by some muscles coated bullies and did not know what to do apart from wetting your pants? well, me neither but i care about defenseless human beings on this planet. Pay attention, I am going to teach you some classified techniques that I have learnt both from experience and the movies I have watched. Here is a list of  SIX WAYS TO INJURE YOUR SWORN ENEMY (some classified stuff for those who don't know KARATE)!

#6. PINCH THE GUY WITH A SAMBAZA IN A MATATU.
Kenyans in the house know what I am talking about. First and foremost convince your worst enemy to sit strategically on that lonely chair behind the conductor. Then talk to a heavy woman, preferably one who sells chips mwitu in the market to be the last one to board the mat. As she is shoving and shifting through the narrow space, place the illegal piece of wood famously known as "sambaza" such that the enemy's thigh is sandwiched between the wood and the seat. Let Physics do the rest as our female accomplice heavily lands on the sambaza. Clever huh?

#5. STEP ON HIS SMALL TOE.
We all know how that little bastard can hurt! The small toe should be classified as a vestigial organ. You tell me one use of the little toe and I will give you money! That is besides the point... we are on a mission here... So step on the guy's little toe. this would be more effective if you are wearing heels. If you are not a wearer of heels, you can convince your girlfriend or someone of the fair gender who also hates the guy in question, to do it for you. Remember: make it look like an accident... otherwise it is just rude to walk up to a guy and step on his little toe with your high heels.

#4. THROW A 40 BOB COIN BETWEEN THE EYES, RIGHT ABOVE THE NOSE.
The Kenyan 40 bob coin is the heaviest money since 1963. Why between the eyes? Apart from hurting as hell, this spot will blind our enemy momentarily without damaging his eyes. this gives you a chance to run like the wind. If you are lucky, the victim might even nose bleed! Let no one lie to you that he will catch you later on, just make sure he does not see you when you stand directly in front of him as you hurl the money at him.

#3. PUT A THUMB-PIN ON HIS CHAIR.
You know this one... especially if it is a classmate or office-mate... just make sure the pointed part is facing upwards. You can choose to remain in the room and sadistically enjoy the drama that would ensue... or leave and hear the story later. I suggest you leave so that you look innocent. This is also a nice one to play on the class teacher.

#2.SERVE HIM HOT SWEET POTATOES
To pull this off, you must first declare a fake truce, you know, like what happened between Gaza and Israel? Invite the bully for breakfast. This will lure the big guy into a false sense of security. While you are laughing and joking at how he used to harass you, sweet potatoes should be boiling. Serve when its steaming hot and insist on the fact that it has to be consumed in a hurry. Sit back and watch as the tough guy debates on whether to spit or swallow!

#1. WAIT TILL HE RIGS AN ELECTION, BECOME PRESIDENT, GO TO A RALLY, THEN WHEN HE STARTS GIVING HIS SPEECH,THROW STONES AT HIM!
Or a rotten egg! Classic!

I SEE CRAZY ALL OVER MOI UNIVERSITY!

Its getting crazy in Moi University main campus! Power hungry sons and daughters of some hardworking Kenyans (who are breaking sweat to keep their DNA carriers in school) are on our faces from every corner of the university. Since last Friday I am getting more hugs from strange ladies who didn't care I existed a few months ago... I am not complaining though, I am enjoying the long hand shakes and the even longer hugs!
Aspirants are throwing the "I-know-you-personally" smile all over the place while uncomfortably adjusting the noose around their necks that they call ties... the lady-politicians are freezing just to shine! thighs are being exposed to the biting cold, mosquitoes and the lusty eyes of we the campus men! God help they don't die of malaria or pneumonia before the election date. Tribal meetings are being held in the school of arts under the dark. A friend of mine who had political interests sometime back was told, and I quote: "Entertainment docket tumepea waMeru". What on earth! I got Meru friends who are not aware of this privilege that was apparently handed to them by their leaders!
Random meetings are being held outside the student center... usually it is one atticulate guy in an oversized suit and armed with some out of this world vocabulary, sorrounded by the smiling faces of keen listeners who keep nodding wisely once in a while.
Such conversations are bound to happen:
"Who are you voting for chair?"
"Nalyanya.."
"That guy is not serious! vote for Makanaki, he has promised me alcohol next Friday!"
Oh the booze!!! at what point in these campaigns is the booze coming out? Cheap alcohol diluted with pineapple juice in a bucket will be making rounds at the corridors of Hostel H soon! I know a guy who cannot wait ;)
Door-to-door campaigns. This is basically a group of comrades coming to interrupt a moment between you and your girlfriend. Everybody knows this shit does not work! You knock on my girlfriends door, I say 'come in'. Obviously you don't hear it over the sound of the boiling rice so you knock again and my girlfriend answers. You come in and start dictating to me who I should vote for and my girlfriend and I put on fake smiles while secretly peeling off your skin in our heads. You leave a flier with the untrustworthy picture of your preferred candidate on it, which goes to the trash can right away. I close the door behind you going: "What a moron! NKT! Now... where were we?" :)
Hooligans armed with vuvuzelas... well I won't go into that because I am one of them! Anyway after elections guess what is staring at your face? GREEDY LEADERS AND END OF SEM EXAMS... life sucks!

"SHE IS MY EX" the stand up comedy

It is a little bit ego-centric to do a review of your own comedy show... but who cares!
When I put up posters to advertise my first stand up comedy special "SHE IS MY EX" there was a special group of human beings I was not expecting to see on the audience, my ex-girlfriends. So you can imagine the tension in my bladder when three of them showed up in solidarity and with impunity, planting themselves at the back of the hall! For a whole hour I debated whether to do away with some bits of the script which talked about them or to go ahead as rehearsed.... I reached a decision when the opening comedian Chief Munene, rocked the audience; I decided not to mince my words.
From the ex who forced me to pay for her shit (She went to a public toilet and I paid!) straight to the one with a bukusu, I did my routine and luckily, the laughed!
It was not all about heartbreaks and embarrassing ex girlfriends though.. this script had political hints and some deep stuff.  But as usual, the funny takes precedence.
"She is my EX" is the first one man show I have done in Moi university and I am currently working on the next one "THE PEOPLE FROM MY VILLAGE" which covers everything from sports, culture, politics, relationships and tribalism. Therefore if you want to be part of the PROF CHOCHI CREW, leave me an e-mail at nalyanyaken@gmail.com... I will appreciate your support fans!!

STRANGER ALERT!

Today I walked into my room after a boring class about state and development. All I wanted to do was to fire up my Lenovo laptop, drop on my bed and play NFS Most Wanted. I could not do the dropping-on-the-bed part because there was a snoring full grown red-blooded thirty-something year old drunk male human being on my bed!

For those who know me are familiar with my non-violent approach to issues, Mother Teresa is my inspiration. But at this point in time I cared less about some dead nun… I wanted to kill this sleeping bag of meat! He was shirtless. I have never seen so much hair in one place away from the head. Immediately after the bush that was his chest came the mother of all pot bellies. This slob could not see his toes if his life depended on it! His trousers were held somewhere under his intestines with a sisal rope which might have been previously used to tether cows based on its color. He must have wrestled a pig too judging from the fresh mud all over his trousers. His feet rudely stuck out the trousers with disturbingly jigger-infested toes trying to escape out of his ancient socks. This was a pile of disgust. And it had piled itself on my bed!

There are a number of things a man can do in such situations. For instance my friend Wakukha would simply have beaten the man up with two giant pieces of wood tied together. My friend Jakajimbo would have gone passive aggressive on the slob; suffocate the dude under a pillow before setting him on fire. Or Musa, our watchman, would do the opposite, set the drunk on fire before suffocating him with a pillow. I wanted to beat him up with two giant pieces of woods tied together, set him on fire then suffocate him under a pillow! Lucky him I couldn’t get any of the three weapons! Therefore, I did what I am good at; I screamed as loud as I could and in a very high pitch.

“What is it?”

“Where is the pig” two guys stormed into the room. Yes, I had screamed:”Nguruweeeeee!” (Pig!)

“There he is on my bed!” I reported to my rescuers.

“Your bed?” one of the guys wondered. A fresh look at him and I saw a hangover written all over him. The other guy was staring at me as if I had operated on him, took his kidney and ate it.

“That is Kiprop…”

“oh…” is all I could say. Apparently I had wandered into the wrong room. Silly.