HOW TO BE SHOT BY UNKNOWN GUNMEN IN KENYA

So you are tired of your miserable existence and you just want it all to end? Well, suicide is not the option. it is messy and most of the time doesn't work. Here is a tip for you; why dont you get gunned down by the most patriotic Kenyans: unknown gunmen! These guys love Kenya so much that they would not hesitate to put a bullet in you while you are strolling in the streets of Mombasa (or anywhere else). But you have to give these patriots some motivation first; afterall killing a person is not that easy, is it? Well it depends...

1) BE A MUSLIM

This is a good motivator. Apparently, unknown gunmen are fond of shooting muslims. So if you really want to die you can try shifting religions. All you need is a nice white Kanzu, a Friday and a mosque to walk out of. This seems to rattle the tail of these unknown Kenyans with weapons.

2)HAVE AN ACCENT

No. Not a Luhya accent... nor a Luo one. Unless you want a slot at Churchill Comedy show then you are good to go. But if you are serious about this dying business, then you need a dangerous one, either Arabic or Somali... Mostly the Somali one. According to unknown gunmen, a Somali accent can voice activate a hand grenade. True story. So come on you suicidal freak! Let us fake ourselves a "bahali yake" accent!

3)LEAVE YOUR IDENTIFICATION PAPERS AT HOME

So your girlfriend is a pain in the neck and just doesn't want to go away? this is a tip for you. Steal her Identification papers and send her for mtumba shopping in Eastleigh! We need a story to back your saddistic doings... she'll get arrested, sent to a refugee camp somewhere and when she comes back to the city BAM!!! Our unknown friends strike! a bullet to the head or a driveby and your love story comes to a bloody halt.

4) SHOW YOUR FACE ON "JICHO PEVU"

We want to see you on TV before and after you die. So have a chat with Mohamed Ali. And do not mince your words during the interview. Say something unpatriotic; like you hate Christians, Kenya sucks, KDF are thieves, mention ICC cases if you can, put the Inspector General under siege (wink!),  throw in an insult or two about the government of the day... you know, all the true juicy stuff. Here is the thing, Unknown gunmen watch Jicho Pevu too. They'll help you die and watch you in the next episode of the investigative documentary!  

5) FOLLOW ADEN DUALE'S ADVICE

Do not throw a grenade in Eastleigh... go to Machakos. I know Duale said it won't get you killed. He is right, the government might not get you but our buddies the unknown Kenyans will get you.

6) FOLLOW MY ADVICE

Thats right... follow my advice. But just incase your family tries to sue later on, I plead insanity!