GET OUT OF OUR KINYOZI, WOMAN!!!

May God punish the human who suggested that kinyozi’s and salons should be in one room! There are things that go on in a barber shop that should never be exposed to the outside world (by that I mean women). I would never want a future wife of mine to see me being harassed by another man. It is just immoral. In the barber shop, when that guy tells you turn your big head 360 degrees around, then good Lord turn your big head 360 degrees around; this is the man responsible for your handsomeness or otherwise. Being ordered around like that is not good for the ego, especially with women around!

One thing that the long haired woman fails to understand is that shaving is a delicate surgical procedure (notice the methylated spirit and the antiseptics afterwards?). Therefore I will not smile back at you through the mirror when am getting the cut, no muscle is allowed to move… people get AIDS like that you know. Smile at a pretty woman having her hair done and the machine cuts you. How many perverts do you think that machine has cut? Please take salons out of the kinyozis! (That’s right, it’s the salons that came into the once peaceful kinyozis!)

When I go to shave, there are places on my head that I don’t allow the machine to reach, I will explain later. Before the barber starts shaving, I am the boss. I dictate to the guy how I hope my head to look. I issue him with specific instructions not to put a cut on the back of my head. That place is ticklish, and who knows, I might be forced to smile back at some long haired maid across. True to the ways of the people from my village, I am well versed with only three types of haircuts:

1.       JORDAN- named after a famous basket baller in the USA I guess. This style is what you city people call “vup”. It is actually not shaving but the absolute removal of hair. It leaves your head smoother than your face. If the shape of your head is irregular. Then by Jove do not use this hair style!

2.       “YA SHULE”- directly translated it means “of school”. It is where the hair is trimmed very close to the scalp. I do not go for this hair style because of my height and body size. Many might confuse me for a form one….

3.       BOX- It is what city people will call punk. Simply put, it is reverse baldness. The barber leaves hair at the region where there will be none if you happen to go bald. This is my hairstyle J

Once you have given instructions to the barber, the tables are changed. The man sent by God to take away your hair becomes the boss. He turns your head in all the possible angles and whenever you resist, he rudely tells you “wacha kukaza!”. He does not help by throwing comments about dandruffs on your head. This is why the Kinyozi is a private room ladies! Also why I do not allow barbers to shave the top of my head. There it is, that is why most of us go for “box” or the cursed “mohawk”!

 After travelling through your head with the cutting machine, he soaks a towel in boiling water and covers your head with it! Pain. Bad pain. This is the point where that pretty girl having her weaves done smiles at you. I am just from surgery lady, I want to smile back but I can’t!