THE VILLAGE CHOIR; PART ONE

I come from a place where music forgot. The people from my village are good composers of music, no doubt… but ask us to sing and suddenly all of us break our voices. Save, of course for a few extra ordinary talents like David Sishia, Gloria Muliro and Ruth Matete, the rest of us swallowed frogs. The frogs we swallowed come alive when we sing. The village choir is big. But we all got time, let us talk about each one of them.

OMWAMI MATTHEW WAKOLI

VOICE: TENOR TWO/ALTO

Remember when a bill board almost assassinated the Bungoma senator outside the Nairobi City mortuary? If not, google it. Or simply ask Mtthew Wakoli, Omwami. He claims to be closer to Honourable Wetangula Masika than the nose is to the mouth! He has been walking around my village narrating on how he escaped death by a whisker. According to him, he was supposed to be riding at the back with the senator on the night of the assassination attempt. Were it not for the deputy head teacher of Friends School Kamusinga to put him on duty that week…thanks be to the Almighty.  He might not be lying though, on his self-contained single room in Lutonyi a newspaper picture is framed. On it you can spot Omwami Matthew Wakoli laughing with our senator! To rub in on how important he is as far as the village politics is, he posts photos of him with former politicians like Bifwoli Wakoli and the little known Pascal Wanjala.

Omwami Matthew Wakoli recently bought a camera. The people from my village call it “kitega uchumi”. But both he and I know that this is a trick to go to weddings and graduation parties uninvited. Honestly, you do not lock out the guy with the camera.

Apart from singing for the village choir, Omwami is a hockey coach. Classy it may look on the surface it is as clumsy as Aden Duale on heels! He posseses a carton box full of memos from the principal urging him to be attending training sessions.

LUDWIN CHRISTINA MKHA WATITWA

VOICE: SOPRANO ONE

One can easily tell that Ludwin Christina Mkha Watitwa went to school. She assumes the all too famous academic angle while walking. For those unaware of the academic angle; it involves the person leaning extravagantly to one side due to the effect of carrying books. The whole village attended Ludwin’s graduation ceremony (which my grandmother calls “kompromasyo”) and the village choir composed a set-piece in her honour. Small girls in the village have been instructed by their mothers to be like Ludwin Christina Mkha Watitwa. If you are new in my village, you might think that all the girls are crippled. You have never been so wrong; they all try to walk like this educated lady.

The people from my village say that she is the one who brought the “toilet seat” phenomenon in the village. Let me break down the phenomenon for you. First, imagine an ordinary village toilet, small with a hole at the center of the floor. Now raise that hole up to about a foot. That’s it. Invented and patented by this Albert Einstein that is Ludwin Christina.

Much to my peoples disappointment, Christina refuses to run for political office, no matter how much she is discussed in Busaa dens. Maybe when she declares her candidature, Elijah Wanameme’s ball that he kicked long time ago will eventually return to God’s green earth and holy presto… we will have the first Luhya president! That is just wishful thinking folks; the wife of Watitwa likes her life simple, unlike the women from my village!

SHIROYA VERONICA MKHANA WA MUMIAS

VOICE: SOMETHING BETWEEN TENOR TWO AND BASE ONE.

Nothing says ‘go go Manchester united’ like Shiroya Veronica in a tight “AON” jersey. She is the lady all the village models want to be and the sweaty village men want to be with. Her eyebrows are up there. She smiles like a one day old baby girl biting into a seedless watermelon. Needless to say, her clothes have accepted her. When she wears a long dress, she looks like a mermaid clad in a waterfall. What do you expect; she went to India and came back. Of course I am exaggerating!

Shiroya is beautiful. But of course God cannot give you beauty and brains; she is the worst dancer in east and central Bungoma County. To save herself from embarrassment, Veronica has invented a dance routine that she uses in all parties. Ironically, this rehearsed dance routine does the opposite of what it is intended to achieve. It embarrasses her! I will strive not to exaggerate this. First and fore most she waves her hands wildly in the air. From a far, one might think she is being attacked by bees. All this while, she is bobbing her head like an Indian high on coffee spirit. While still doing these weird movements in her upper torso, she gulley creeps while twerking simultaneously. The climax of the routine is when she decides to lie down flat on her back and have a seizure. For this very good reason, the village choir restrains as much as possible not to include dancing in their set pieces.

SAMMY NAKITARE

VOICE: NOT SURE

Nakitare has an annoying voice. It doesn’t help that he doubles up as the drummer. Given the economic situation of the people from my village, we have to make do with a yellow, twenty litre jerican. Originally cylindrical, the ‘drum’ has lost its shape. This is because the short man Nakitare transfers all his trouble at home to this musical instrument. One can easily tell whether the man was harassed by his wife the previous night by how hard he hits the drums.

For those of us who know Nakitare from high school, we know that he was not this timid. I remember one afternoon just after performing a narrative at the provincial level; I noticed a certain lady from Maeni Girls’ secondary school looking at Nakitare. I quickly poked him on his ribs and showed him the lady. This girl had all the fundamental body parts that attract a man to a woman… or I this case, a teenage boy to a teenage girl. But we had an issue with her hind quarters. They looked unnatural. I even came up with the hypothesis that she might have tied a towel inside there! But Sammy Nakitare of Webuye is not the man to give up easily.

“let me confirm,” said the boy as he courageously marched towards the girl. She had no idea what was going to hit her. Literally. A spank and a scream later confirmed it. All was natural.

I look at the man now and wonder, what happened to his ill-mannered courage? Rumour has it that he found Christ.

The village choir, part one.