21 CANDLES

No single human being knows how to react when a gang of his tone deaf friends are singing "happy birthday to you" in broken off key voices. it is easier when all of you are drunk. otherwise you just stand there, awkwardly smiling, threatning to blush, not knowing what exactly to do with your hands... its confusing. then the birthday tune turns into a circumcision song "mulongo" and life suddenly makes sense. you dance the dust out of the carpet. It is my twenty first birthday dear fans.

Do you know i can legally marry at this age? All I need is a willing subject with good looks. Hope my future wife is not reading this. If she is, let me explain, I am a comedian (perfect excuse to do and say crazy stuff).

I can also go anywhere that 21 is the age limit. this is crazy. does this mean that I have grown up? I suspect so.

Its also the perfect birthday present that this blog hits 3,500 page views as per yesterday. Thanks people, it is good to know that you feed your minds with the confusing marriage of words inside my head. Writing is not as easy as I thought it would be when I ditched Textile Engineering to do Media Science. Its the readers that give me a reason to write. Yeah... i admitted it, you are important!

This is an appeal to my friends in the college of health science, Moi university, I know you are planning evil for me. I have spotted buckets of dirty water somewhere. please boil it first, I have a condition and Eldoret is freaking cold. Plus we are now 21, can't we grow up? guys?

today I blow 21 candles, I will painfully miss the legendary Chapati's from my mum, God rest her soul. She laughed at all my jokes even the ones I knew were not funny. I will make you proud mama. Hey guys planning to celebrate my birthday by splashing water on me, am emotional, can't you see? hahaha! hope you buy that.

happy birthday to me!!!

GET OUT OF OUR KINYOZI, WOMAN!!!

May God punish the human who suggested that kinyozi’s and salons should be in one room! There are things that go on in a barber shop that should never be exposed to the outside world (by that I mean women). I would never want a future wife of mine to see me being harassed by another man. It is just immoral. In the barber shop, when that guy tells you turn your big head 360 degrees around, then good Lord turn your big head 360 degrees around; this is the man responsible for your handsomeness or otherwise. Being ordered around like that is not good for the ego, especially with women around!

One thing that the long haired woman fails to understand is that shaving is a delicate surgical procedure (notice the methylated spirit and the antiseptics afterwards?). Therefore I will not smile back at you through the mirror when am getting the cut, no muscle is allowed to move… people get AIDS like that you know. Smile at a pretty woman having her hair done and the machine cuts you. How many perverts do you think that machine has cut? Please take salons out of the kinyozis! (That’s right, it’s the salons that came into the once peaceful kinyozis!)

When I go to shave, there are places on my head that I don’t allow the machine to reach, I will explain later. Before the barber starts shaving, I am the boss. I dictate to the guy how I hope my head to look. I issue him with specific instructions not to put a cut on the back of my head. That place is ticklish, and who knows, I might be forced to smile back at some long haired maid across. True to the ways of the people from my village, I am well versed with only three types of haircuts:

1.       JORDAN- named after a famous basket baller in the USA I guess. This style is what you city people call “vup”. It is actually not shaving but the absolute removal of hair. It leaves your head smoother than your face. If the shape of your head is irregular. Then by Jove do not use this hair style!

2.       “YA SHULE”- directly translated it means “of school”. It is where the hair is trimmed very close to the scalp. I do not go for this hair style because of my height and body size. Many might confuse me for a form one….

3.       BOX- It is what city people will call punk. Simply put, it is reverse baldness. The barber leaves hair at the region where there will be none if you happen to go bald. This is my hairstyle J

Once you have given instructions to the barber, the tables are changed. The man sent by God to take away your hair becomes the boss. He turns your head in all the possible angles and whenever you resist, he rudely tells you “wacha kukaza!”. He does not help by throwing comments about dandruffs on your head. This is why the Kinyozi is a private room ladies! Also why I do not allow barbers to shave the top of my head. There it is, that is why most of us go for “box” or the cursed “mohawk”!

 After travelling through your head with the cutting machine, he soaks a towel in boiling water and covers your head with it! Pain. Bad pain. This is the point where that pretty girl having her weaves done smiles at you. I am just from surgery lady, I want to smile back but I can’t!

THE VILLAGE CHOIR; PART ONE

I come from a place where music forgot. The people from my village are good composers of music, no doubt… but ask us to sing and suddenly all of us break our voices. Save, of course for a few extra ordinary talents like David Sishia, Gloria Muliro and Ruth Matete, the rest of us swallowed frogs. The frogs we swallowed come alive when we sing. The village choir is big. But we all got time, let us talk about each one of them.

OMWAMI MATTHEW WAKOLI

VOICE: TENOR TWO/ALTO

Remember when a bill board almost assassinated the Bungoma senator outside the Nairobi City mortuary? If not, google it. Or simply ask Mtthew Wakoli, Omwami. He claims to be closer to Honourable Wetangula Masika than the nose is to the mouth! He has been walking around my village narrating on how he escaped death by a whisker. According to him, he was supposed to be riding at the back with the senator on the night of the assassination attempt. Were it not for the deputy head teacher of Friends School Kamusinga to put him on duty that week…thanks be to the Almighty.  He might not be lying though, on his self-contained single room in Lutonyi a newspaper picture is framed. On it you can spot Omwami Matthew Wakoli laughing with our senator! To rub in on how important he is as far as the village politics is, he posts photos of him with former politicians like Bifwoli Wakoli and the little known Pascal Wanjala.

Omwami Matthew Wakoli recently bought a camera. The people from my village call it “kitega uchumi”. But both he and I know that this is a trick to go to weddings and graduation parties uninvited. Honestly, you do not lock out the guy with the camera.

Apart from singing for the village choir, Omwami is a hockey coach. Classy it may look on the surface it is as clumsy as Aden Duale on heels! He posseses a carton box full of memos from the principal urging him to be attending training sessions.

LUDWIN CHRISTINA MKHA WATITWA

VOICE: SOPRANO ONE

One can easily tell that Ludwin Christina Mkha Watitwa went to school. She assumes the all too famous academic angle while walking. For those unaware of the academic angle; it involves the person leaning extravagantly to one side due to the effect of carrying books. The whole village attended Ludwin’s graduation ceremony (which my grandmother calls “kompromasyo”) and the village choir composed a set-piece in her honour. Small girls in the village have been instructed by their mothers to be like Ludwin Christina Mkha Watitwa. If you are new in my village, you might think that all the girls are crippled. You have never been so wrong; they all try to walk like this educated lady.

The people from my village say that she is the one who brought the “toilet seat” phenomenon in the village. Let me break down the phenomenon for you. First, imagine an ordinary village toilet, small with a hole at the center of the floor. Now raise that hole up to about a foot. That’s it. Invented and patented by this Albert Einstein that is Ludwin Christina.

Much to my peoples disappointment, Christina refuses to run for political office, no matter how much she is discussed in Busaa dens. Maybe when she declares her candidature, Elijah Wanameme’s ball that he kicked long time ago will eventually return to God’s green earth and holy presto… we will have the first Luhya president! That is just wishful thinking folks; the wife of Watitwa likes her life simple, unlike the women from my village!

SHIROYA VERONICA MKHANA WA MUMIAS

VOICE: SOMETHING BETWEEN TENOR TWO AND BASE ONE.

Nothing says ‘go go Manchester united’ like Shiroya Veronica in a tight “AON” jersey. She is the lady all the village models want to be and the sweaty village men want to be with. Her eyebrows are up there. She smiles like a one day old baby girl biting into a seedless watermelon. Needless to say, her clothes have accepted her. When she wears a long dress, she looks like a mermaid clad in a waterfall. What do you expect; she went to India and came back. Of course I am exaggerating!

Shiroya is beautiful. But of course God cannot give you beauty and brains; she is the worst dancer in east and central Bungoma County. To save herself from embarrassment, Veronica has invented a dance routine that she uses in all parties. Ironically, this rehearsed dance routine does the opposite of what it is intended to achieve. It embarrasses her! I will strive not to exaggerate this. First and fore most she waves her hands wildly in the air. From a far, one might think she is being attacked by bees. All this while, she is bobbing her head like an Indian high on coffee spirit. While still doing these weird movements in her upper torso, she gulley creeps while twerking simultaneously. The climax of the routine is when she decides to lie down flat on her back and have a seizure. For this very good reason, the village choir restrains as much as possible not to include dancing in their set pieces.

SAMMY NAKITARE

VOICE: NOT SURE

Nakitare has an annoying voice. It doesn’t help that he doubles up as the drummer. Given the economic situation of the people from my village, we have to make do with a yellow, twenty litre jerican. Originally cylindrical, the ‘drum’ has lost its shape. This is because the short man Nakitare transfers all his trouble at home to this musical instrument. One can easily tell whether the man was harassed by his wife the previous night by how hard he hits the drums.

For those of us who know Nakitare from high school, we know that he was not this timid. I remember one afternoon just after performing a narrative at the provincial level; I noticed a certain lady from Maeni Girls’ secondary school looking at Nakitare. I quickly poked him on his ribs and showed him the lady. This girl had all the fundamental body parts that attract a man to a woman… or I this case, a teenage boy to a teenage girl. But we had an issue with her hind quarters. They looked unnatural. I even came up with the hypothesis that she might have tied a towel inside there! But Sammy Nakitare of Webuye is not the man to give up easily.

“let me confirm,” said the boy as he courageously marched towards the girl. She had no idea what was going to hit her. Literally. A spank and a scream later confirmed it. All was natural.

I look at the man now and wonder, what happened to his ill-mannered courage? Rumour has it that he found Christ.

The village choir, part one.

2014 IN THE VILLAGE TOILET!

I am not proud of the fact that I spent part of 2013 and 2014 inside a village toilet! on that note let me wish you a happy new year!

 

My prayer has always been never to get pressed in the village. My fear of the village toilet supersedes that of snakes! And god knows I fear snakes.

The village toilet is one that leaves you with so many options on how to use it, none of the numerous options is comfortable.  First and foremost, the village toilet is cold. Were it not for the hygiene factor, one can preserve milk inside there. The main reason for these unfriendly low temperatures is the worn out sack that serves as the door. The problem with this kind of door is that it only covers the face of the user and not the fundamental parts that make the toilet a private room…

You certainly do not want to visit the village toilet on a windy day. This is because the sack that covers the little privacy you could afford will be flapping about furiously! To save yourself from the embarrassment that could ensue, you have to hold the sack with both your hands. Woe unto you if the small hole is far away from the ‘door’ or worse, if your hands are short!

Tissue paper does not come easy in the village… people have to be creative. If you are lucky enough to visit a rich man’s toilet, you will have to make do with old pieces of newspapers. Now, I got no issues with this form of paper, but won’t you find it weird to ”serve” yourself with an obituary page? If I was a ghost, I would haunt you for life if you used the page am on in this manner!

If you visit a poor man’s toilet in the village, please do not question the plantation that has grown inside this all important structure, the green leafs are means for you. If I owned a village toilet, I would plant a poisonous plant next to it just for fun when a visitor uses its leaves as tissue paper… yeah. Am a sadist!

I was surprised when I spotted a jembe in one of the village toilet. Upon inquiry, Wakukha, my cousin to whom the toilet belonged explained graphically that it was for “the mess afterwards just in case” Judging from the size, the temperature and the type of door the village toilet has, a mess is bound to happen!

I AM BEING INCITED AGAINST MY GOVERNMENT

I went to visit Walubende again; the man my mother insisted is bad influence. But this guy greeted the president in 1998! just to be clear, Walubende has been angry since 1998, he wishes he would have slapped His Excellency instead.

Walubende is angry with politics and he is inciting me.

"The son of a poor man, subject of the digital government, how are you!" he greets me jovially as I enter his stuffy hut for the second time this year. He spits on the fire and disturbs the burning embers with his walking stick.

"What subject do you take at the college my son?" he falls in a coughing fit.

"Media Science..." I answer when he's done coughing. Walubende is getting old. He laughs at my broken voice.

"that is why I thought about you when my son was reading the newspaper to me" I am impressed. the old lad has a good memory still. "I am told KANU is at it again... the funny business of firing and harrasing journalists..." I correct him. KANU is not in power now. not anymore. But Walubende is a proud man who does not appreciate correction. he tries to hit me with his walking stick. I know this move, thats why I made sure that the distance between him and me is longer than his walking stick.

"Do not be smart with me young boy, the old men of KANU are still drinking milk in state house!" Walubende coughs again. I excuse his old age and try to reason...

"They are not old men, the president is in TNA and his deputy in URP. Multi-party!"

"Multi party nonsense! Those who fought for multi-party have no power. those in power are the ones who fought against it! Take your president for instance..."

"Uhuru?"

"No! Not the loud one, the quiet one."

"But Walubende, Kibaki left the big house in April this year..." Walubende should really buy more newspapers!

"Whatever!" he spits on the dying fire again and pokes the firewood with his stick. "I watch news at Peneteta's hotel. I have seen your president and his gang, young man I know the jogoo party when I see one!" Well, I might have underestimated the old man afterall, he seems conversant with current affairs.

"So the son of Jomo has the power to fine and fire you once you start working on TV, radio and newspapers?" He asks. It hits me, Walubende has heard the rumours about a bad media bill.

"Its not him doing the fining and firing but some people he appoints..." I correct. He swings his stick at me and misses.

"Stupid boy! when I hire a househelp, does he do what he is supposed to do or does he do what I tell him to do?" Good question Walubende has.

"But he has not yet signed it..."

"Dont be a fool, all bills are written by him and his jogoo party!"

"You mean TNA?"

"I mean KANU!"

We are both confused. he sighs loudly and spits on the fire then pokes it. Why on earth does he keep doing that? He stretches his old bones. From behind the stool he is sitting on, he puls out a bundle of newspapers.

"Take this to bwana Muigai down at the butchery. Buy some mandazi with the fifty shillings he gives you." I thank Walubende's generosity... But I have this feeling he has just incited me!

KOMBO, THE SON OF NASIPWONDI

After enjoying a hearty lunch that was composed of two ugalis and three quater kilograms of nyama choma, my friend Sarah Nalyanya could not hide her surprise when I told her that I am a stand up comedian. She even let out a small scream when I said I was soon going to do a comedy tour! It is funny therefore how she quickly believed me when I informed her that I am in Musikari Kombo's campaign team!

If the small meetings at Barasa's Park inn Kimilili are anything to go by, then I am indeed campaigning for Nasipwondi's son.

I know friends who are making that noise Sarah Nalyanya made when she learnt my job. well, let me state categorically that I am in it for the money and I do not support the ideologies of New Ford Kenya! There are those of the view that I am not political (especially my girlfriend) but what do you expect? I am a grandson to Mwalimu Sylvester Wakoli Bifwoli! Whom I am sure will not win...

That said the, it is hereby my duty to war Honourable Moses Wetang'ula... the son Of Nasipwondi, also known as Owa Nasipwondi by the people from my village, is seriously almost winning the upcoming by-election in Bungoma county.

Before I am labeled traitor by my fellow "foot soldiers" (that is what we, door-to-door campaigners in Kombo's camp call ourselves) I hereby stae that I am not a registered voter in Bungoma county... My name is in one of the IEBC register in Uasin Gishu, the county where I almost voted... Now they have a good reason to stone me!
Back to the good man Wetang'ula, Owa Nasipwondi means to win by all means. I have witnessed and also taken part in his aggressive campaign. He is directly in touch with over 300 voters in each polling station. Weta you got to work hard sir!

Owa Nasipwondi is also successfully soiling Wetangula's name. He has managed to convince almost half of the county that Musa is responsible for all the violence in the ingo county. Talk of the killing of Advocate Wanyonyi and Weta's name is dragged in. The annoying Eugene Wamalwa even gave a dramatic moment of silence for the good lawyer and then went ahead to accuse Mose of murder in front of a crowd of hardworking kimililians!

talk of death threats to Kombo supporters in Sirisia and the CORDed Moses Wetang'ula's name is dragged in! He is trying to sway voters by tarnishing other's name. And it is working.

Owa Nasipwondi Musikari Kombo might be the next senetor of Bungoma county!

I KNOW PEOPLE! NAIROBI PART TWO

Smart Joker has a bad handwriting. Thats right, I am talking about 'the sweet joking smart joker kutoka Kibera' you know him from Churchill Show. He is quite a cool guy, I had a small chat with him as he signed me an autograph (from which I now judge his handwriting) Ever since I started seeing him on the telly, I have always wondered if his eyes are that big when he is off the stage. They are. But he doesnt lean that way in real life...

The point I am trying to brag away is that I was at carnivore Simba Salon during one of the live recording of Churchill Show. True to my being, while there, I tried to borrow Big Ted's coat.. you know that giant. He didnt give it to me. it was one of those moments when the stage was being set and the audience was invited to do their thing. The first guy to take the opportunity was painfully not funny while the second guy was tone deaf but tried to do a reggea number! The third guy was me, Prof Chochi Celeb Phd, I treated them with one of my "choir master" jokes... It is awesome standing on that stage.

Speaking of choir masters, I also met YY... a comedian in Churchill Raw. I bumped into the boy at night in Kenyatta University. He immediately noticed my knack for Luhya jokes. I crack them a lot now that am writing the script to my one man stand up comedy show "THE PEOPLE FROM MY VILLAGE"

Very few folks believe me when i say that I had lunch with Tonny Timase, he of business news. Okay, I will confess that it happened by accident... we happened to share a table at a restaurant near the Norfolk hotel.Ther man ate a whole fis while I did with two sausages and a sodaa (they did not have chips and their chicken was way too expensive. do not judge me!) I was tempted to talk to him and even ask for an autograph but some say he is not as friendly as the sweet joking smart joker. I however managed to get a blurry snap of him on my cell.

I will be a hero and maybe the people of my village will elect me as their county assembly representative when they read this: I saw Cyrus Jirongo! We were trapped with him in a traffic jam.... well, I was in a stuffy "citi hoppa" while he was comfortably dozing off in his black range rover. this guy wanted to run for president, right?

there you have it Prof Chochi Celeb PhD (born Nalyanya Kennedy) knows people!