HOW TO BE SHOT BY UNKNOWN GUNMEN IN KENYA

So you are tired of your miserable existence and you just want it all to end? Well, suicide is not the option. it is messy and most of the time doesn't work. Here is a tip for you; why dont you get gunned down by the most patriotic Kenyans: unknown gunmen! These guys love Kenya so much that they would not hesitate to put a bullet in you while you are strolling in the streets of Mombasa (or anywhere else). But you have to give these patriots some motivation first; afterall killing a person is not that easy, is it? Well it depends...

1) BE A MUSLIM

This is a good motivator. Apparently, unknown gunmen are fond of shooting muslims. So if you really want to die you can try shifting religions. All you need is a nice white Kanzu, a Friday and a mosque to walk out of. This seems to rattle the tail of these unknown Kenyans with weapons.

2)HAVE AN ACCENT

No. Not a Luhya accent... nor a Luo one. Unless you want a slot at Churchill Comedy show then you are good to go. But if you are serious about this dying business, then you need a dangerous one, either Arabic or Somali... Mostly the Somali one. According to unknown gunmen, a Somali accent can voice activate a hand grenade. True story. So come on you suicidal freak! Let us fake ourselves a "bahali yake" accent!

3)LEAVE YOUR IDENTIFICATION PAPERS AT HOME

So your girlfriend is a pain in the neck and just doesn't want to go away? this is a tip for you. Steal her Identification papers and send her for mtumba shopping in Eastleigh! We need a story to back your saddistic doings... she'll get arrested, sent to a refugee camp somewhere and when she comes back to the city BAM!!! Our unknown friends strike! a bullet to the head or a driveby and your love story comes to a bloody halt.

4) SHOW YOUR FACE ON "JICHO PEVU"

We want to see you on TV before and after you die. So have a chat with Mohamed Ali. And do not mince your words during the interview. Say something unpatriotic; like you hate Christians, Kenya sucks, KDF are thieves, mention ICC cases if you can, put the Inspector General under siege (wink!),  throw in an insult or two about the government of the day... you know, all the true juicy stuff. Here is the thing, Unknown gunmen watch Jicho Pevu too. They'll help you die and watch you in the next episode of the investigative documentary!  

5) FOLLOW ADEN DUALE'S ADVICE

Do not throw a grenade in Eastleigh... go to Machakos. I know Duale said it won't get you killed. He is right, the government might not get you but our buddies the unknown Kenyans will get you.

6) FOLLOW MY ADVICE

Thats right... follow my advice. But just incase your family tries to sue later on, I plead insanity!     

DRINKERS ASSOCIATION OF MOI UNIVERSITY (DAMU)

Imagine my excitement (as a journalist) when I bumped into two bona fide members DAMU, Drinkers Association of Moi University. They do exist people and my do they drink! They are more organised than some media groups i write for... this i gathered from their club t-shirts written "save water, drink alcohol", we dont even have a logo in some media group i write for!

Before you all get creative and jump to conclusions, let me announce that it was at broad daylight when i encountered these two gentlemen. I was at a pork joint in campus having my lunch and writing up material for my comedy show "laugh with impunity" when the duo staggered in. Despite being a Monday afternoon, the undergraduates were as drunk as a nominated senator (see what I did there?). Their t-shirts had a smiling face of Tabitha Karanja holding the new Guiness bottle. Remember when Bifwoli Wakoli walked the streets of Nairobi screaming "Awori poleeeeee!"? These two drunk vuvuzelas were doing exactly that only this time calling for more beer and some other things which i cannot write even when I am alone and in darkness!

"HII SIO BAR!" (this is not a bar) the pregnant waitress was almost in tears.
"Do we look drunk to you?" One of the beer bottles asked, "Do you know who we are?"
"We are DAMU!" screamed the alcohol in the other guy, "Drinkers Association of Moi University!"

At this point, most of the self righteous pork eaters made their way out of the joint cursing the makers of the brew. I would have walked out but I was still looking forward to an "ugali sosa" afterward. Besides, I figured this story might impress the editor of our publication (For the record, this story was killed).

It was impossible to convince these enemies of Mututho that they were not in a bar. In fact, they broke into their club anthem which was interrupted by a series of belching and hiccups. At this point is where I intervened, heroically even, i dare say.
"Comrade power!" I screamed.
"Hey! aren't you that comedian guy?" I must say one does not feel particularly safe when recognized by a drunk.
"Thats me bwana!"
"Your joke about the toothless girl was pathetic man!"
I made a mental note to scrap that one off my script.
"You guys are a club or something?" I asked partly out of curiosity but mostly to change the subject.
"Ofcourse! we are DAMU!" (after which they sang their uncomprehendible anthem) "the lady you see on this t-shirt is Tabitha Karanja... do you know her?" i shook my head though she looked vaguely farmiliar.
"You do not know her?" the other drunkard sang. I swear his breathe did make me a little bit tipsy! "This is the mother of all beer! the CEO Keroche breweries!"
"We have been trying to contact her to sponsor our club..." a sudden sadness covered their faces, "You see the University cannot support our club... is that really fair?" I did not feel safe answering that question so I dipped a serious piece of ugali into the pork fat and stuffed my mouth.
"We are a free country for God's sake!!"
"Wako wapi?" a kalenjin accent asked at the door. security was here. As the two were being whisked away loudly, I scheduled an interview with their leader which they agreed on condition that I find them a sponsor. so if you are out there....