BLACK HAWK DOWN PART ONE.
One day I will tell you about Black Monday and the badassery of ordinary folks in taking down the US army in the Battle of Mogadishu. But today I will relate to you a rescue mission that took pure wit and gut.
Phone rings. It's Moha. I havent seen him in weeks. I smile because this guy is my guy! We have broken curfew together just to buy groundnuts and cigarettes, we have read the same books, we have even dated the same girl (at different times. Nothing weird). I know when he calls he is somewhere flossing his teeth with a toothpick, smoking a cigarette and most likely chewing khat. Right now he could be clad in his sweatpants, arsenal jersey and Somali sandals like all Mohas of this world, and
I receive the call and in my loudest voice I blast
"Muluhyaaaaaaa! Hahaaaaaa!"
Now under normal circumstances Moha would have replied with an enthusiastic:"Wariaaaaaaa! Hayye!" It's not a complicated inside joke. The premise being I am the "Muluhya" and he is the "Waria" so we switched it. You may not get the 'funniness' of it all but trust me, we laugh at such things. But I sense circumstances are not normal because Moha replies in his most humble of voices:
"Cheki bro, nataka useme tu ukweli. Jana tulikuwa wapi?" (Look here bro, I want you to say the truth. Where were we yesterday?)
I know almost immediately he is on loudspeaker and Caro, the girlfriend is breathing on his neck. I have never had to lie for the guy but today, wueh! I know he is on the spot.
Caro is the kind of girlfriend who gives Moha money for mogoka and say things like "If you spend it on girls I will kill you!". She is a keeper that one! She oozes mega wife energy unlike some of you poor girls out here. But she has anger issues and she would scold my guy like a child! I sometimes take these death threats seriously but Moha dismisses them with:"Hawezi fanya any! We tuchane acha uoga"(She can't do anything! Let's chew khat don't be a coward) Boranas are fearless like that. Which is why the humility in his voice is a red flag. Black hawk down!
I think of the most general answer I can give just in case my guy is in trouble with the girlfriend.
"Buda kwani umechanga!? Hukumbuki tulikuwa wapi?" (Dude are you confused? don't you remember where we were?) I force a laugh. That loud laugh sex workers make to attract business. It's advertising.
"This is serious Bro! You just say where we were!" At this point I know the man is in deep shit. I can almost see Carp glaring at him breathing through her beautiful nose like a rhino in labour. I calculate my next move fast. I don't know what lie Moha has told Caro, but I know for sure it's not the truth. The truth could get him killed. The truth in this case is called Sharon.
"It seems you smoked too much of that weed I gave you yesterday! Hang up the phone, I am coming to your place right now with milk!" I force another hooker laugh.
"Wait! Bro usikate...!" I hang up. I take my jacket and keys and rush to save this stupid man's ass before Caro kills him for sure. Black Lives matter you know.
BLACK HAWK DOWN PART TWO:
PSYCHOLOGY
Having a common ex girl forges a bond among men. Like when men went to war in the old days, you have gone through the same battles, your bond is forged in the crucible of blood and pain. That is Moha and I. We both dated this girl Yasmin. If you are reading this Yasmin, we havent forgiven you! I won't bore you with my relationship with Yasmin. All I can say for now is that she is saved as "Pure Evil" on my phone. That is a story for another day. Today is a story about a hero who saved a friend in the most spectacular fashion. I am that humble hero.
Moha once told me that if you are cheating on a girl, you cannot lie to both of them. Smart guy Moha. But also the most stupid because he broke this very rule! I am rushing to his g girlfriend's house to save him from a lie that I have no idea what it is, and one that he dragged me in without my consent or awareness. That's what friends do. If you cannot lie to my girlfriend for me we cannot be friends. He has apparently told his Caro that he and I spent the whole evening together when infact I had not seen the man in weeks! My suspicions pointed at Sharon.
I arrive at Caro's house. It stinks of a nasty fight. One can tell because a few glasses are broken, the pillows are all over the living room and the most terrifying sight of all - Caro was holding Moha's signature Infinix Hot 3 (herein after referred to as exhibit 1) in her right hand with the left resting angrily on her wide Ugandan hips. I swallowed hard and plastered a fake smile on my face.
"Nyabo! Oli mulunji!" (Madam! You are beautiful) I have picked a few things in psychology class and I am happy to share my wisdom with you. Nothing disarms a lady from buganda kingdom than a man who knows the language her mother speaks. Caro looks unbudged. But I could detect a smile dancing at the corners of her Delilah lips.
"Ssebo I have no time for your nonsense! Get in here!" She is a boss this one, like I told you, she radiates GOAT wife waves. I step further into her expansive house and there he is, my guy Moha, sitting on the floor hugging his knees trying to look as innocent as Ann Waiguru. If his clansmen saw him at this moment, he will be cut out of his father's will. It was embarrassing and I couldn't wait to tell everyone!
"Ken how are you?" Caro calmly asks as if she had not just reduced this lion from Mandera into a house cat!
"Nze seli na bigambo my inlaw." (I dont have words my inlaw) I stick to my luganda theory and throwing in the 'inlaw' bit to remind her who she is to Moha and I. Psychology.
"Cut that Luganda business, we all know you are from Bungoma. Kaa chini. Kuna kesi hapa!" She waves Moha's exhibit 1 on my face.
"Do I use the sofa or sit on the floor like my bro here? Moha! What's up bana?" I try to be funny.
"Don't start with me Ken!" I see I have no audience here for my world class jokes. I sink non-commitally on the edge of the sofa. "Munange... You have always been a good friend to me before I even met Moha" is this girl trying to play psychology with me? "You can tell me the truth Ken." Clearly Caro does not know where my loyalty lies. "Who is Sharon?" She keeps her eyes on mine. Guys I had not prepared for this question! What I had rehearsed was "Where were you last night?" of which I would say "Beirut, Babu's shop chewing khat" and I had photos from a month ago to back me up. Caro was not following the script! I look at Moha for answers. The thing is we have developed a comprehensive code when it comes to lying to our women or parents when cornered and we have no time to cook a lie. I have used the code more than he has.
"Tell her my friend..." Moha says looking dead into my eyes. There it is! The code! "My friend" is another inside joke. We have a gay friend who introduces his male partners as "my friend". How am I to fit this into an answer that makes sense?
"Oh Sharon? Sharz!" I laugh to ease the tension. Psychology. "Sharz is a lesbian friend of ours. We hang out with her in Babu's shop. You should meet her, she's awesome!" Liars talk too much. But I am impressed with my lie. I think it's over. Moha gives Caro the "I told you so" look. It isn't over.
"Oh that's okay." Caro seems convinced about that one. "And who is Camilla?"
It's like I had just been slapped. Damn it Moha!
BLACK HAWK DOWN PART TWO:
PSYCHOLOGY
Having a common ex girl forges a bond among men. Like when men went to war in the old days, you have gone through the same battles, your bond is forged in the crucible of blood and pain. That is Moha and I. We both dated this girl Yasmin. If you are reading this Yasmin, we havent forgiven you! I won't bore you with my relationship with Yasmin. All I can say for now is that she is saved as "Pure Evil" on my phone. That is a story for another day. Today is a story about a hero who saved a friend in the most spectacular fashion. I am that humble hero.
Moha once told me that if you are cheating on a girl, you cannot lie to both of them. Smart guy Moha. But also the most stupid because he broke this very rule! I am rushing to his g girlfriend's house to save him from a lie that I have no idea what it is, and one that he dragged me in without my consent or awareness. That's what friends do. If you cannot lie to my girlfriend for me we cannot be friends. He has apparently told his Caro that he and I spent the whole evening together when infact I had not seen the man in weeks! My suspicions pointed at Sharon.
I arrive at Caro's house. It stinks of a nasty fight. One can tell because a few glasses are broken, the pillows are all over the living room and the most terrifying sight of all - Caro was holding Moha's signature Infinix Hot 3 (herein after referred to as exhibit 1) in her right hand with the left resting angrily on her wide Ugandan hips. I swallowed hard and plastered a fake smile on my face.
"Nyabo! Oli mulunji!" (Madam! You are beautiful) I have picked a few things in psychology class and I am happy to share my wisdom with you. Nothing disarms a lady from buganda kingdom than a man who knows the language her mother speaks. Caro looks unbudged. But I could detect a smile dancing at the corners of her Delilah lips.
"Ssebo I have no time for your nonsense! Get in here!" She is a boss this one, like I told you, she radiates GOAT wife waves. I step further into her expansive house and there he is, my guy Moha, sitting on the floor hugging his knees trying to look as innocent as Ann Waiguru. If his clansmen saw him at this moment, he will be cut out of his father's will. It was embarrassing and I couldn't wait to tell everyone!
"Ken how are you?" Caro calmly asks as if she had not just reduced this lion from Mandera into a house cat!
"Nze seli na bigambo my inlaw." (I dont have words my inlaw) I stick to my luganda theory and throwing in the 'inlaw' bit to remind her who she is to Moha and I. Psychology.
"Cut that Luganda business, we all know you are from Bungoma. Kaa chini. Kuna kesi hapa!" She waves Moha's exhibit 1 on my face.
"Do I use the sofa or sit on the floor like my bro here? Moha! What's up bana?" I try to be funny.
"Don't start with me Ken!" I see I have no audience here for my world class jokes. I sink non-commitally on the edge of the sofa. "Munange... You have always been a good friend to me before I even met Moha" is this girl trying to play psychology with me? "You can tell me the truth Ken." Clearly Caro does not know where my loyalty lies. "Who is Sharon?" She keeps her eyes on mine. Guys I had not prepared for this question! What I had rehearsed was "Where were you last night?" of which I would say "Beirut, Babu's shop chewing khat" and I had photos from a month ago to back me up. Caro was not following the script! I look at Moha for answers. The thing is we have developed a comprehensive code when it comes to lying to our women or parents when cornered and we have no time to cook a lie. I have used the code more than he has.
"Tell her my friend..." Moha says looking dead into my eyes. There it is! The code! "My friend" is another inside joke. We have a gay friend who introduces his male partners as "my friend". How am I to fit this into an answer that makes sense?
"Oh Sharon? Sharz!" I laugh to ease the tension. Psychology. "Sharz is a lesbian friend of ours. We hang out with her in Babu's shop. You should meet her, she's awesome!" Liars talk too much. But I am impressed with my lie. I think it's over. Moha gives Caro the "I told you so" look. It isn't over.
"Oh that's okay." Caro seems convinced about that one. "And who is Camilla?"
It's like I had just been slapped. Damn it Moha!
BLACK HAWK DOWN PART THREE.
DIPLOMACY
A woman like Caro does not stalk her boyfriend, she investigates. Whereas you stalker girlfriends will give up after reading text messages on his phone (which smart men like Moha delete), Caro will hack his email and run a background check on all unfamiliar names on his call log. Which makes it extremely difficult to lie to her. Here is where diplomacy comes in! Diplomacy calls for diversionary tactics, logical lies and confidence. I am a master diplomat. Here I am defending a man, my guy Moha, whose crime I am not even aware of. I lying my ass off infront of his girlfriend, detective Caro. I am just done defending Moha about "who is Sharon?" When she hits me with "And who is Camilla?" Damn it Moha! How many girls is this one juggling?
I am foremost shocked by how Moha landed Camilla. Camilla is a cop and she is out of everyone's league! Whatever league Moha is playing, like that team we support, he is not winning any trophies!
"Ssebo! You are quiet now? Who is Camilla? I know you know her!" Caro advances like a leopard that has marked its prey. It is time for diplomacy.
"First of all Caro, hii ni madharau gani?" (What treatment is this?) I change my tone pointing at Moha dotted on the floor hugging his knees like a prisoner. "Can't your boyfriend sit on the chair we sort this like adults? Ona vile Moha anahurumisha manze!" (See how pitiful Moha is!) Heartstrings have been played. Caro calms down. He motions to Moha to take a seat. My guy gets up with fake tears hanging on his eyes. He is the best of actors! He even let's one roll down his cheek as he sits.
"Thanks babe..." he says sniffing and wiping his Oscar award winning tears. It is time to lie to this woman. I look at Moha in search for a code. We have codes.
"Tell her the truth Kennedy." His tone is grave.
"What truth?" Caro is now full of concern. What she has missed is the code Moha has just thrown my way. See, no human being on God's green earth has ever called me "Kennedy", not even my parents who gave me the name! All but one: A drug dealer in it hood who sells all kinds of illegal substances. I fear the guy so much that I am not comfortable bringing him up in this story. He is the only person who calls me Kennedy. I think it is a power move to assert dominance. So when Moha called me Kennedy I knew my lie had to involve drugs.
"Camilla is a drug peddler." I look at Moha again. We are both sweating.
"Yes." Is all Moha chimed.
"She hangs out with us once in a while..."
"Yes."
"Moha is addicted to cocaine..."
"No!" Moha jumps up
"What?" Caro's face registers horror, "Moha tell me this is not true!"
"It is not! Ken what are talking about?" Clearly I have messed up. My lie is too extra! But this happens in diplomacy guys. I have this in control. I hold Moha's shoulder
"Denial is the first step to acceptance bro." I have been to therapy countless times. I turn to Caro, "He has been trying to clean up secretly and Camilla, being a drug dealer, has experience in this. We have been working together to help this poor guy." I pat Moha on the head. He gets the message and humbled his posture. He looks like a puppy that has been rained on. It works! Caro hugs him suddenly.
"Why didn't you tell me babe? You had me worried! I am here for you and will support you in whatever way!" Caro hugs the guy again. Moha is now weeping loudly, gasping for air and throwing "I am sorry baby!" like Christmas cards. I feel my diplomatic work here is done. I have lied well. I start leaving giving the two love birds space to hug it out.
"Ken! Wait!" Caro calls me back.
"Webale nyo nyabo(Thank you madam), I won't have tea!" I am in a hurry to leave
"No. I want you to call Camilla." She extends Moha's phone to me.
"What?" We chorus in panic, Moha and I.
"Call her. We need to discuss, all of us, on how to help Moha" She kisses the condemned man on the cheeks. I have zero options. Diplomacy has failed.
I dial Camilla. I pray she is not on. She is. Hell!
"OCPD!" I blast as soon as the Camilla picks up. I need her in good moods.
"Ken is that you? Uko na Moha hapo?"(is Moha there with you?) I can imagine her dainty face framed in a police cap.
"Put her on loudspeaker." Caro whispers. We are screwed Moha and I! I put her on loud.
"Camilla where are you?" My plan is to draw out the conversation for as long as possible.
"Cut that crap! If Moha is there with you tell him I want to see him now!"
"Camillaaaa! Hata salamu hauna jaber?" I try to keep things light.
"I don't have time! Tell him to come see me now and explain things!"
"Things? What things?" I shouldn't have asked that!
"Infact now that I have you on phone, you can explain, who is Sharon?" Caro looks like She is about to explode.
I almost drop the phone! It is Sharon again. It has always been Sharon! Maybe Moha can explain: Who is Sharon?
