Today I walked into my room after a boring class about state
and development. All I wanted to do was to fire up my Lenovo laptop, drop on my
bed and play NFS Most Wanted. I could not do the dropping-on-the-bed part
because there was a snoring full grown red-blooded thirty-something year old
drunk male human being on my bed!
For those who know me are familiar with my non-violent
approach to issues, Mother Teresa is my inspiration. But at this point in time
I cared less about some dead nun… I wanted to kill this sleeping bag of meat!
He was shirtless. I have never seen so much hair in one place away from the
head. Immediately after the bush that was his chest came the mother of all pot
bellies. This slob could not see his toes if his life depended on it! His
trousers were held somewhere under his intestines with a sisal rope which might
have been previously used to tether cows based on its color. He must have
wrestled a pig too judging from the fresh mud all over his trousers. His feet
rudely stuck out the trousers with disturbingly jigger-infested toes trying to
escape out of his ancient socks. This was a pile of disgust. And it had piled
itself on my bed!
There are a number of things a man can do in such
situations. For instance my friend Wakukha would simply have beaten the man up
with two giant pieces of wood tied together. My friend Jakajimbo would have
gone passive aggressive on the slob; suffocate the dude under a pillow before
setting him on fire. Or Musa, our watchman, would do the opposite, set the
drunk on fire before suffocating him with a pillow. I wanted to beat him up
with two giant pieces of woods tied together, set him on fire then suffocate
him under a pillow! Lucky him I couldn’t get any of the three weapons!
Therefore, I did what I am good at; I screamed as loud as I could and in a very
high pitch.
“What is it?”
“Where is the pig” two guys stormed into the room. Yes, I
had screamed:”Nguruweeeeee!” (Pig!)
“There he is on my bed!” I reported to my rescuers.
“Your bed?” one of the guys wondered. A fresh look at him
and I saw a hangover written all over him. The other guy was staring at me as
if I had operated on him, took his kidney and ate it.
“That is Kiprop…”
“oh…” is all I could say. Apparently I had wandered into the
wrong room. Silly.
