KIONGOZI AT A FUNERAL

Kiongozi is wired to thrive at funerals. The member of parliament is a special mourner who only cares about the deaths that have occurred in the vicinity of a general election. When Kiongozi arrives at a burial ceremony, the women stop wailing and the dead is left unattended for a moment as their leader makes an entrance. He arrives fashionably late when everyone is present to witness his arrival. Being an embarrassingly short fellow surrounded by a gang of former body builders who now serve as his bodyguards, Kiongozi has everyone stretching their necks to catch a glimpse of the overweight lawmaker. One of the village boys clad only in a shirt long enough to cover his privates has broken through Kiongozis security team and is hunting for a handshake. Kiongozi masters a fake smile greets the little bastard and makes a mental note to fire one of the bodyguards. The dirge has stopped and in its place the local band is dropping its latest hit about Kiongozi. Every politician has a local song about them nowadays. Waving generously to the crowd he marches to the tent meant for family, in-laws and watu ya Nairobi. The deceased widow is humbly requested to give up her sit for Kiongozi. She is told that the leader has taken time out his busy schedule to eulogize a lost vote. She reluctantly obliges. Kiongozi smiles at her and squeezes a one thousand shilling sorry in her poor heart broken hands. One of the bodyguards take long strides towards the pulpit and requests that the priest himself should introduce Kiongozi. Kiongozi is impressed, and makes another mental note not to fire the guy; he has redeemed himself. As soon as the man of God introduces Kiongozi, everyone
forgets they are here to mourn. The church choir switches gear and breaks into a traditional song much to the disgust of the priest. The choir master has added some "umph" into his craft and the drummist has gone crazy. The funeral has gone into a political frenzy. Kiongozi can already see himself back in office.
"Harambeee!"
"Kiongosss!!" The crowd is raving with excitement.
"Winston Churchill said..." the crowd screams and claps drunk with unexplained joy. This was proof to anyone who doubted the validity of Kiongozi's degree certificate.
"Winston Churchill said success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. Harambee!"
"Kiongosss!" The crowd goes. It is the word "enthusiasm" that has tripped them. surely Kiongozi is a born leader who has gone to school!
"And our people say..." Kiongozi is a smart man he has to throw in a luhya proverb to balance out the Winston Churchill quote in case his opponent accuses him of not being in touch with "the ground".
"Our people say when a dog barks during the day, no one pays attention. but when a lion roars..."
The crowd has now lost it! laughter and cheers fill the funeral. Did Kiongozi just reffer to his opponent as a dog and himself as a lion?
"Kiongosi nguruma!" someone shouts from the crowd eliciting more laughter. Kiongozi is impressed with the fellow and calls him to the front.
"Ningurume nisingurume?"
"Ngurumaaa!"
The village DJ at this point plays a soundtrack of a lion. The crowd is now in the seventh heaven! what!
"Harambee!"
"Kiongosss!"
Kiongozi has achieved his objective. He has stagemanaged his new nickname "Simba Kiongozi" with the slogan "Nguruma!". He offers a quick condolence message and heads out in the same fashion he came in, leaving the rest to bury their dead.

INFORMATION VS TWERKING NIGERIANS

So there I am in the office explaining the conflict between Israel and Palestine to my friends. They seem intrigued. I am a story teller and i cannot, for the life of me, tell a simple story without acting it out. My arms are allover the place, I am drawing missile projectile paths in the air, I am making exploding sounds with my mouth... I mean I am in there!

How I demonstrate the "six day war"

Just as I begin to narrate the "six day war" in Egypt as if I was actually there, an intern storms in with a sense of emergency and excitement in her eyes. She is making one of those little screams 22 year old ladies make in the presence of shiny objects. Trust a light skinned third year college comrade with her pretty lipstick to steal attention from anyone. She was waving her Huawei Y360 smart phone in the air while making a poor attempt at running towards us thanks to her yellow heels.
"You guys have to see this!" she squeals. She is cute.
"Actually Israel is about to attack the Egyptian air force here so..." I try to down play whatever she had downloaded thanks to the free wi-fi in the office.
"what is it?" No one wants to know which side of the war to support any more. So i put my imaginary jet-fighters back and join in the circle that has formed around this intern. Her perfume smells so nice. or is it her hair? Whatever it was, it was sweet.
"This Nigerian chic has released an awesome twerk video but watch what happens at the end!" she squeals again. Everyone was in on it. The Nigerian lady got skills though. The leso around her waist falls off at the end exposing her nakedness and the whole office roars with laughter. I pride myself in having an excellent sense of humor. On any other day i would have laughed my head off. Not today. I am an actor and I love my attention. She "runs" off to the reception to spread her message to the rest of humanity.
"So Chochi, you were telling us about Egypt?"
"The thrill is gone..."