KIONGOZI AT A FUNERAL

Kiongozi is wired to thrive at funerals. The member of parliament is a special mourner who only cares about the deaths that have occurred in the vicinity of a general election. When Kiongozi arrives at a burial ceremony, the women stop wailing and the dead is left unattended for a moment as their leader makes an entrance. He arrives fashionably late when everyone is present to witness his arrival. Being an embarrassingly short fellow surrounded by a gang of former body builders who now serve as his bodyguards, Kiongozi has everyone stretching their necks to catch a glimpse of the overweight lawmaker. One of the village boys clad only in a shirt long enough to cover his privates has broken through Kiongozis security team and is hunting for a handshake. Kiongozi masters a fake smile greets the little bastard and makes a mental note to fire one of the bodyguards. The dirge has stopped and in its place the local band is dropping its latest hit about Kiongozi. Every politician has a local song about them nowadays. Waving generously to the crowd he marches to the tent meant for family, in-laws and watu ya Nairobi. The deceased widow is humbly requested to give up her sit for Kiongozi. She is told that the leader has taken time out his busy schedule to eulogize a lost vote. She reluctantly obliges. Kiongozi smiles at her and squeezes a one thousand shilling sorry in her poor heart broken hands. One of the bodyguards take long strides towards the pulpit and requests that the priest himself should introduce Kiongozi. Kiongozi is impressed, and makes another mental note not to fire the guy; he has redeemed himself. As soon as the man of God introduces Kiongozi, everyone
forgets they are here to mourn. The church choir switches gear and breaks into a traditional song much to the disgust of the priest. The choir master has added some "umph" into his craft and the drummist has gone crazy. The funeral has gone into a political frenzy. Kiongozi can already see himself back in office.
"Harambeee!"
"Kiongosss!!" The crowd is raving with excitement.
"Winston Churchill said..." the crowd screams and claps drunk with unexplained joy. This was proof to anyone who doubted the validity of Kiongozi's degree certificate.
"Winston Churchill said success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm. Harambee!"
"Kiongosss!" The crowd goes. It is the word "enthusiasm" that has tripped them. surely Kiongozi is a born leader who has gone to school!
"And our people say..." Kiongozi is a smart man he has to throw in a luhya proverb to balance out the Winston Churchill quote in case his opponent accuses him of not being in touch with "the ground".
"Our people say when a dog barks during the day, no one pays attention. but when a lion roars..."
The crowd has now lost it! laughter and cheers fill the funeral. Did Kiongozi just reffer to his opponent as a dog and himself as a lion?
"Kiongosi nguruma!" someone shouts from the crowd eliciting more laughter. Kiongozi is impressed with the fellow and calls him to the front.
"Ningurume nisingurume?"
"Ngurumaaa!"
The village DJ at this point plays a soundtrack of a lion. The crowd is now in the seventh heaven! what!
"Harambee!"
"Kiongosss!"
Kiongozi has achieved his objective. He has stagemanaged his new nickname "Simba Kiongozi" with the slogan "Nguruma!". He offers a quick condolence message and heads out in the same fashion he came in, leaving the rest to bury their dead.